Trying Too Hard to Show Off?

Trying too hard to impress someone?

Maybe it's time to stop showing off what is not real. You know what I'm talking about. Happy weekends peeps~

P/S: Go GERMANY!!!

If I were an Angry Bird

You will pray hard that you won't piss me off

Duck Duckie on the Beach?

Enjoy the laugh :D I seriously need this as I am currently stress with a few cases :/

You know you love the attention @ the Beach? :p

Duz Tha Speak Yorkshire?

Get the joke?

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

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A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

...................................................................................................

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.

Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ectasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

...................................................................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

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Man dating 3 women

Seriously, this shows that most men are bastards with the way this guy select his life time partner by his short-term realistic selection. Well, don't we all agree? Wuahaha...

Night pictures of the World

Wonder why my beloved hometown is selected for Survival season 1? This is more likely a joke about my hometown. Hahas, guess it's a good time to laugh on a Saturday morning :)

Brazil

Paris

Niagara Falls

Toronto

London

Singapore

Kota Kinabalu

Sorry Power cut off =X

Comparing Types of Birth Control

You want the cheap way, the daily intake way, the painful way, the lamest way or the recycle way? LOL

In Bed For $100 Only

A sexual joke on a rainy Monday Blue :)

Your Days Without Me :p

A Week without me would be: Mourn day, Tears day, Waste day, Thirst day, Fright day, Shatter day, Sux day, Seven days without me - Makes one Weak!

Hamstersaurus

Have you seen a Hamstersaurus before? XD

Buck-teeth dinosaur = Hamstersaurus! LOL! =P

Source:
Nikita

Top Management

A way to start out Monday morning specially in the office ROAR

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me sir, can you help me? I promised a friend I
would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
''You must be an engineer," said the lady balloonist.
"I am", replied the man. 'How did you know?'

''Well", answered the lady in the balloon,
"everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

The engineer below responded,
"You must be in Top Management."
''I am", replied the lady balloonist,
"but, how did you know?''

"Well," said the Engineer,
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you, to solve your problems."

Million Dollars Questions

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

Why is $ex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.

Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... it's SHOWTIME!!!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later...

Advantages of having an affair with married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell
And there's no wedding bell!

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise .
Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

why cops in africa wear security vests

why cops in africa wear security vests

Warum in Afrika die Polizei Warnwesten trägt... (Bild)

Financial Management

Country Of Origin . . . Malaysia

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner yesterday.

How? The other beggar asked.

First beggar: Someone gave me a Rm100 note yesterday. I went to the KL Tower Revolving Restaurant and ordered wine & dinner worth Rm 1,000, and enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.
The manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.

I gave the Rm 100 note to the police fellow, and he set me free.
Isn't that a wonderful example of financial management?!!!

Never Mess with a Women

Never mess with a Women. Whatever you give to them, they will have the way to use it accordingly :p

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India ...

Dear Sunita Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.

Your loving husband,
Tuna Singh


His wife replied...

TINKU KE PAPPA ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...
Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi

Two priests go on vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.








They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.



The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'to! urist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.. They couldn't help but stare.





As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.





These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said





'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you kn! ow we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,





'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.




A smile - is a sign of joy.

A hug - is a sign of love.

A laugh - is a sign of happiness.


And a friend like me??

Hell...that's just a sign of good taste!!

4 different sons...

Previously I shared a post on Christian jokes. Now I want to share you something interesting. Sometimes what people thought things should be ashamed of can be other's pride and another way round.

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ... What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Spaghetti

Love spaghetti? Maybe not after you read this hilarious story :D

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money
if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in
Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until
the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To
keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted...

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without...
Send extra sauce.

Don't Mess With a Fillipino

In a New York sidewalk, a Filipino is enjoying a hearty breakfast "Coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc. While an American, chewing a gum, sat next to him and started an Unwanted conversation... American: You Filipinos eat the whole bread? Filipino: Of course! American: (Blowing bubbles with his gum) we don't. We, Americans only Eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle, make These into croissants and sell these to the Philippines. American: Do you eat jam with bread? Filipino: Of course! American: (Chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth) we don't. Americans eat fruits at breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and Leftovers into containers, turn these into jam and sell it to the Philippines Filipino: Do you have sex in America? American: Of course, we do! Filipino: What do you do with the condoms? American: We throw them, of course! Filipino: We don't. In the Philippines, we put them into containers, Recycle them, turn them into chewing gums and sell it to America.

Malaysian jokes

Don't sue me if you cannot handle this joke. I actually went speechless after reading this e-mail from Frankie. Way to start my Sunday morning LOL

Some jokes for you to laugh.......

Six most enjoyable fantastic Malaysian jokes : 1. Pak Lah, Najib and Samy V were patrolling in a helicopter Samy:"if I drop a piece of RM1000 note from here, the person that picks it up must be very happy" Najib:"if I throw two pieces of RM500notes down, it will make 2 person happy" Pak Lah:"if I drop TEN pieces of RM100notes, there will be 10 happy people" The pilot murmuring to himself:"why don't all of you just jump down from here, that makes 25 million people happy?" 2. Samy V wish to enhance his reputation by publishing a series of stamps with his portraits 1 month after the launch, Samy surveys its sales Post Office Chief:"not bad... but quite number of complaints that the glue is not strong enough" Samy:"really...?" He spits at the back of the stamp and sticks the stamp on an envelope "the glue is ok" Post Office Chief:"but... every one spits on the face of the stamp ...." 3. Midnight, Najib went for supper and bumped into a robber Robber:"give me all your money!!" Najib was very angry:"I am the honorable Deputy Prime Minister!" Better behave yourself" Robber:" well, then ... return all my money" 4. One fine day, PM and parliament members were on the way to a meeting where they all crashed into an accident and being rushed to the hospital. The reporters were at the hospital, the doctor shook his head "we have done our best to rescue the PM but ..." Reporters:"How about Najib?" Doctor:"we were unable to rescue him either ..." Reporters:"who have you saved?" The doctor was exicted:"Malaysia is saved now" 5. .. Samy V visited the psychiatric hospital. All the patients hurray for him but there is one patient who ignored Samy, Samy:"why does he not welcome me?" Doc: "He is normal today (not insane) 6. Election campaign time -- accident A farmer saw and rushed to the scene but all the passengers were dead. He buried all the passengers (politicians). Few days later, the police in charge found the farmer and asked where all the politicians were, "Have they all died?" Farmer:" hmmm, Samy was screaming that he is still alive when I buried him" Police" why you buried him anyway?" Farmer"because Samy never tells the truth"