If Shanghai Bank Speaks Malay

Reader Kenny Cheah sent this in:

"Saw this ad in Taiwan , Not sure if anyone already posted this to you. Obviously, I was

the only one laughing all the way from the aiport to the MRT until I reached my hotel."

"Let Shanghai bank manage your finance. Bring PUKI home."

It is just so wrong on so many levels naming your company's toy mascot after a favourite

word Ah Beng's use to scold people. I wanna try to make a joke out of it, but I think I'll just

take the classy road and stay quiet.

I only have one question though.

If the name of that little pig is called PUKI, does that mean his mother is calledPUKIMA???

OMG I love this doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.. Brandy is distilled
wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get
even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.


And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What
a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies..

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and
eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

I can't speak Hokkien, so I'm learning Swahili

Originally from The Electric New Paper

I can't speak Hokkien, so I'm learning Swahili
HABARI za asubuhi, babu, wariye?
By Ng Tze Yong
22 March 2009

HABARI za asubuhi, babu, wariye?

Before you hit 'send' on a complaint e-mail, be assured that's not a keyboard error.

It's Swahili for: 'Good morning, ah kong, eat already or not?'

If you're still in school, picture the day you become an 'ah kong' (grandfather in Chinese).

When your grandkids come bouncing along to visit you as you lounge in your wheelchair, what language will they use?

It may be English or Mandarin or, who knows, perhaps Swahili.

That's right. Swahili - one of Africa's mother tongues.

Economies can rise and fall in a single generation. For all we know, business or cultural opportunities might spring up in Africa.

It's got people (almost a billion of them). It's got resources (it's where those blood diamonds came from). So, despite its current woes, let's not rule out Africa in the 22nd century.

If this comes to pass, we'll probably embrace Swahili because Singaporeans know very well that for a small country to survive and thrive in an ever-changing world, we must go with the linguistic flow.

So say 'jambo' (hello in Swahili).

(It's actually easier than Mandarin!)

Appreciating language as culture

Together with the pragmatic learners of language (those who embrace its utilitarian value), hopefully there will also be those who seek out new languages out of a broad appreciation of different cultures.

All languages have stories to tell. And many are going extinct.

As a French academic noted, 'half of the 6,000 or so languages in the world today are spoken by fewer than 10,000 people and a quarter by less than 1,000. Only a score are spoken by hundreds of millions of people.'

So, many cultures will disappear without leaving any trace as languages die. At least 30,000 have already vanished.

'Languages usually have a relatively short life span as well as a very high death rate. Only a few, including Basque, Egyptian, Chinese, Greek, Hebrew, Latin, Persian, Sanskrit and Tamil, have lasted more than 2,000 years,' says Mr Ranka Bjeljac-Babic, from the University of Poitiers.

So, how would I feel if my grandkids come up to me spouting a new language?

I'd feel what my own ah kong feels now - resignation, that his own grandson can't speak Hokkien to save his life.

But just as he tries to keep up with the times - the one and only English word he knows is 'good' - I'll try too.

'Nzuri,' I'll say.

Good that the young are reaching out to other languages and cultures.

Good that the stories embedded in languages are being kept alive.

But not so good if our own stories wither away due to the neglect of the languages we grew up with.

If only we could all learn three or more languages. But unfortunately for most people, the human brain is not wired to learn so many.

Now, what's the word for 'pity' in Swahili?